February 2012
38 posts
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Arizona Iced Tea Nearly Killed Him
This is the story of how I inadvertently caused one of my old roommates to get diabetes. He almost died…but he survived and is alive today, so it’s funny now!
Spring 2006: We decided to make a Target run for cleaning supplies, you know, to do spring cleaning of our apartment. The bathtub had acquired a thin film from the calcium deposits in the water and the kitchen sink looked as though it had...
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Relationship Tip of the Day #5
When you stick your pinky in your ear to scratch an itch, which feels better afterwards? That is the wrong analogy to use when arguing about who gets more out of sex, the male or the female.
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What's Your Car's Name?
I’ve never really understood why people refer to their car as “she” and name their car girl names. How the fuck do people even come up with the name for their car? Does that name have some significant deep dark seeded meaning? Like, was Esther the girl in high school that turned you down so now your car is named after her so you can get inside her and ride her, hard? I saw ‘Gone in 60 Seconds’...
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Relationship Tip of the Day #4
If you happen to ask for a blowjob while she’s on her period, don’t also ask her why your previous question was a selfish one.
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Zombie Girlfriend
I’ve been seeing a lot of zombie stuff floating around the internet and I’ll get the occasional question asking what I’d do to survive a zombie apocalypse. I have to say, all the zombie stuff is a nice break from all the ‘Twilight’ bullshit. ‘The Walking Dead’ is a highly superior television series to all those ‘Twilight’ knockoffs like ‘True Blood’. Now that’s some shit I would watch. I would...
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I'm Lesbian Gay
I associated the word, ‘partner’, when I was asked the question, “Do you have a partner?” with the word, ‘gay’. I didn’t take it that the person asking was referring to a Wild Wild West cowboy friendship; I thought she was asking if I had a boyfriend. Now, this is where I was wrong and where the language barrier between a strapping young lad, myself, and a cougar, my mid 40 year old co-worker,...
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The Floating Chair
I feel that I deserve some leniency when it comes to being imaginative. Quite often I get great ideas that play out in my head perfectly, but when I follow through with those ideas in real life, they tend to fail miserably.
When I was told that sucking helium kills brain cells, I immediately stopped. I pictured little helium terrorists running through my brain with guns and backpacks full of...
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Relationship Tip of the Day #3
You forfeit the pussy for the night by calling your girlfriend, ‘Bro’, asking if she’s DTF, and if you can fist pump her vagina. That only works on ‘Jersey Shore’.
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The Time I Stabbed My Sister
Some life stories take time to become funny; they need to age like a good bottle of wine. That analogy was fucking pathetic, but it gets the point across.
At the time, when I was around the age of 10, I accidentally impaled my younger sister in the leg with a pitchfork. Shit wasn’t funny when it happened, it was downright fucking scary. I was more scared that my parents were going to whoop my...
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Relationship Tip of the Day #2
When you have to bribe your man with a blowjob so he’ll hang out with his kids, the answer to his proposal is, “No”.
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Valentine's Day Present
The girlfriend and I don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day by getting each other flowers or chocolate. Flowers die, chocolate is so damn cliché, and my girlfriend knows I don’t need Valentine’s Day to express my love; I love her everyday. But, I received the best fucking Valentine’s Day gift ever. Every guy will be jealous of what my girlfriend is doing for me. And no, it isn’t anal sex; it’s laser...
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Valentine's Day for Singles
Why in the fuck are you single people bitching and griping about Valentine’s Day? Do you hear the Jews bitching about Christmas being Jewish Awareness Day? Okay, you’re fucking single, boo fucking hoo, you have no obligation to buy your significant other flowers or chocolates or have to make restaurant reservations two months in advance. You get to save your money while the people in...
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CoverGirl
At least once a month I have an argument with my roommate about women and makeup. He always argues that he prefers women that don’t wear makeup and look natural. I like when a woman wears makeup because it enhances her features. It’s like going from regular TV to 1080p HD. It just looks better. The thing with the “natural look”, I have no problem, I like it too, but there is makeup involved...
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Get Paid To Be On Facebook
I opened a Facebook account in October 2004 because a friend of mine said she wanted to add me as a friend. I had no idea that opening an account would lead to almost 8 years of wall posts, photo albums, and subjection to the idiocy of other people and their statuses. A week ago, on February 6, 2012, I decided to deactivate. There was no slowly weaning myself from the Facebook teat, like a baby...
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Bacon: It's What Makes Us American
I’ve managed to anger my sister to the point where she has stopped cooking breakfast for me. I walked into the kitchen as she was putting raw bacon fat back into the package which would have been destined for the trash had I not stopped her. I proceeded to ask, “What in the fuck are you doing?!?! The fat is the best part!!!” She had actually taken the time to cut off all the...
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Babysitting Tip of the Day #2
Buy yourself 30 minutes of alone time. Hide 4 tennis balls around the house. Tell the kids to find all 5.
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The Dr. Oz Show
My girlfriend listens to whatever Dr. Oz says. She buys all the vitamins and supplements that he showcases on his show. If Dr. Oz were to tell my girlfriend that eating horse shit was good for her, she’d probably do it. The amount of money she spends on supplements a month amounts to about $250. Holy fucking fuck. Half of the stuff Dr. Oz showcases, I don’t think my girlfriend even needs. ...
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Why Were You Fired, Again?
I was at the Chili’s To Go checkout last night when five Allied Barton Security guards sauntered through the door. While I was waiting for my food the guards had asked and were waiting for free drinks from the bartender. The entire ten minutes that we were waiting together, I couldn’t help but think, “If I were a criminal, now would be the time to rob the mall, because every single security...
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Drive a Prius?
My mom and dad have never been the type to buy flashy, expensive cars; they would rather put money into month long trips around the world and own economically gas friendly environmental cars. Recently, my dad traded in his Benz for a Prius. Fuck me running, right? I have this personal vendetta against people that drive those cars, but I had to tell my dad, “Oh cool, you must get fucking amazing...
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Complete Fail
I have this habit of writing, ”Last Night” or ”The Mind Blowing Sex” on the ‘FOR’ line on my checks. I didn’t take into account how awkward that is when the check is written out to family members, like my sister…oops.
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Subtle Revenge
You’re not going to get along with everyone you work with. Personalities clash, differences in agreement, views, beliefs, standards, ethics, and so on. I have a black co-worker that accused me of being racist towards white people. Being Asian, this could have affected me, and nobody wants to be labeled as a racist. I was irritated by what this jack-off was accusing me of, but at the same time...
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Workplace Tip of the Day
I share what I learn so you don’t make the same mistakes. This conversation could have gone down a lot worse, but like a slick mother fucker, I pulled out.
I advise that you refrain from saying the bolded text:
My Supervisor: “Hey! Are we having fun yet?”
Me: “Hey! And they say there’s no such thing as a stupid question!”
My Supervisor: “Huh?”
Me: “Nothing. You bet, man, so much...
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The Soup, Please
When my friends and I go out to eat at a restaurant, we fucking eat. The amount of food we order would be a bulimic’s wet dream. If you don’t understand metaphors, well, let’s just say we can put a fat fuck to shame and eat a bitch under the table. We eat a fucking lot, umkay, umkay?
Lots of food means a double wide bill that would make Nicki Minaj’s ass jealous, but that doesn’t faze us. We...
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Do Not Call List
I just got off the phone with a telemarketer who was trying to sell me home owner’s insurance. I told the guy I wasn’t interested and he hung up on me. Mother fucker, I hang up on you! You don’t hang up on me! Call me back, bitch! Calling me on a blocked number, you fucking pussy piece of shit!
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Smart Kid
I used to volunteer at a Boys and Girls Club after work until the club was closed due to insufficient funding. I loved the energy of all the kids and playing kickball and dodgeball brought me back to my youth. But man, kids drain the energy out of you. One of my favorite kids was a short, chubby boy. He reminded me of a fun size sumo wrestler. Mini sumo didn’t like sports, but would always...
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It Gets Funnier Each Time You Watch! →
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The Hunger Games
My cousin and my friends won’t shut up about the book series, ‘The Hunger Games’, by mother fucking Suzanne Collins. I don’t want or need an in depth plot description. I’ll make my own assumptions based off of the title. ‘The Hunger Games’ sounds to me like a civil disobedience hunger strike competition between Gandhi and Occupy Wall Street protesters. Whoever goes without eating the longest...
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“Whenever I see a pregnant woman, I can’ t help but think in my head,...”
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Can We Get Some New Presidential Candidates?
I can’t seem to dodge the question of who I will be voting for this year in the upcoming 2012 United Statespresidential election. My friends ask me this question, my parents and other family members, co-workers, and strangers trying to make small talk. Four years ago I disappointed my family and shocked most people in California when I told them I had voted for John McCain. I didn’t jump on the...
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Relationship Tip of the Day
Honesty is a fundamental aspect of a healthy relationship. Well no shit, right? Admitting to having threesomes and fivesomes before you met…too honest.
January 2012
56 posts
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Snitches Get...
Some people compared my boarding school to being in prison. Truth of the matter, none of those whiny bitches had ever been to prison. The only prison experience they had was through the eyes of Andy Dufresne from ‘The Shawshank Redemption’ and from ‘American History X’. To my knowledge, my boarding school didn’t have any instances of gang bang ass rapings in the showers or chow line shankings. ...
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Babysitting Tip of the Day
I found out that kids love pillow fights. I also found out that a Tempur-Pedic pillow will knock a 7 year old off his feet.
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Nut Shot
I spent Sunday evening playing with my nephews and one of their friends. Nerf Guns today are so much cooler compared to the ones I played with when I was a kid. I’m talking like, these Nerf Guns today have a folding stock, laser sights, and crazy attachments. I’m actually quite jealous of the toys kids have today.
When I asked what we were playing, I was surprised when my nephew, age 7, told...
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“I caught myself singing along to ‘Someone Like You’ by Adele in the...”
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I Can See You...
I was stopped at a red light this morning on my way to work. A car pulled up next to me, and like any normal person does, I turned my head to see who was in the car. There sat a man, looking into his rearview mirror with his finger up one of his nostrils. I’m talking, his shit was stuck so far up his nose that he must have been tickling his brain. I stared in bewilderment as this man twisted...
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(Ph)ucking with Homo(F)obes
When two or more completely straight, non-homophobic male friends hang out, some of the “gayest” situations transpire. I’m talking, an over the top, male genitalia flashing, let’s see just how in touch we can get with our feminine side, borderline penis parade. It’s an illogical contradiction in which males prove their masculinity and sexual preference for vaginal penetration, through actions...
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AT&T and Ellen DeGeneres
I just switched my cable provider from DIRECTV to AT&T U-verse. A technician came to my house and spent 4 hours installing wiring, hooking up 4 DVRs, and wireless internet. I’m always paranoid when technicians come to my house. The dudes are in my house, in my room, and aren’t the cleanest cut people, so I think I deserve the right to be cautious. Who knows, they could steal something,...
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Brains Over Beauty
I had this specific mentality during my single life that I no longer have now that I’m practically married. When I was single, I liked hanging out with hot, dumb girls. My reasoning behind this was that the girls I used to hang out with had hot, dumb friends. If you want to get laid, you can’t just expect pussy to come to you; you have to be proactive and take initiative. Any opportunity I had...
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Damn, Girl
When a guy sees a gorgeous woman, he’s going to look. There’s just no denying the fact that guys are attracted to hot women like women are attracted to shiny shit. It’s a common stereotype to think of construction workers as the type of people that whistle as a woman walks by and to undress her with their eyes. Women like to label men that objectify women as chauvinistic or sexist pigs. Now,...
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